I never dreamed I would become a mother because anorexia/bulimia stripped me of that for many years.
After struggling with disordered eating for over 15 years, Natalie finally fulfilled her lifelong dream of becoming a mum two years ago when she gave birth to her baby boy, Jacob. In her own words, Natalie wanted to share her story of what life was like living with an eating disorder and how it impacted both her life and those around her.
With support from our eating disorder specialists at the Barberry Centre, Natalie has been able to transform her life. By sharing her story, she hopes to encourage others to reach out for help if you need it.
This is her story.
“I struggled with an eating disorder from the age of 16. When I reached out to the Barberry, I was aged 29. I had been struggling for most of this time with various eating disorders (anorexia/bulimia/binge eating). At 28 years old I had a bone density scan that revealed my spine was basically osteoporotic – not something you want to hear at such a young age.
The idea of starting a family with my husband was not a possibility and I was so desperate to try to change things but knew that I couldn’t without proper help.
It affected my life in every way. I felt like I was living a daily hell that I could not get out of.
I spent years punishing myself with gruelling exercise at the gym, which I didn’t want to do, but felt I ‘had’ to. I had days of feeling starving because I wouldn’t allow myself to eat much and would be tormented at night feeling starving. I felt like I was having to listen to some bit of my head that I didn’t want to listen to, and then at times, would ‘give in’ to the starvation with periods of binging, to then feel guilt and shame, and then purge. It was awful. Anorexia/bulimia dominated the years of my life which are meant to be the times that you enjoy. I felt like I was living a lie for most of my 20s.
When I finally reached out to BSMHFT I was desperate for help. My marriage was being tested, and we wanted a family, but with me having anorexia, it just wasn’t possible. No one really speaks of the fact that eating disorders can ruin your fertility.
From the moment I met the psychiatrist for an initial assessment, I was treated with kindness and compassion. I was amazed that someone could be so understanding. I was finally told that I could receive help and would be placed on a waiting list for day patient service. The staff were wonderful. They supported during mealtimes, but also had a ‘hard line’ approach at times which anyone with an eating disorder needs.
Eating disorders thrive on secrecy and the staff were quite astute with this. The dietitian at the Barberry made gradual meal plan changes, involving all food types and groups, to rewire your relationship with food, whilst helping me to restore weight that was very much needed. My psychologist was like no other person I have ever met. I would be nowhere without her. She helped me understand the background to my eating disorder, and how to treat myself with compassion.
The support I received has helped me in every aspect of my life. In 2021 I was able to fall pregnant and gave birth to my now, two-year-old, son. I never dreamed I would become a mother because anorexia/bulimia stripped me of that for many years. The dietetic support helped me reframe food, so that even after a small blip post birth, I was able to get myself back on track without needing day patient treatment again. The psychological intervention that I received helped me to work on how I speak to myself. To treat myself with more compassion and ask for support from loved ones (particularly my wonderful partner) if I felt I was struggling.
My experience at BSMHFT has helped me to recover and given me the tools to maintain recovery and live a normal life.
I can honestly say that, although that little ‘voice’ in my head may try at times, I have the tools to stop it ever getting as bad as it has done over the years again.
To anyone reading this who can relate to my story – don’t give up hope. Eating disorders are vile, they are like a living hell. Recovery can feel scary, but nothing is as scary as the idea of having an eating disorder for the rest of your life. No one can force you to recover, but there is help out there if you want to change and I am proof that you can have a better life if you choose recovery.
Keep fighting for the life you deserve.”
If you or someone you love can relate to Natalie’s story, please reach out to your GP. For further eating disorder support or information, please visit our webpage today.
Published: 16 September 2024